faith > fear
I have made New Year’s resolutions many times over the years, and my good intentions have often turned into failed attempts. However, that has not discouraged me from writing a new list of goals to accomplish in 2019. Although it is easier to remember the goals I failed to complete last year, I am choosing to focus on the wins, planned and unplanned, that were achieved. This will help me narrow my focus for the upcoming year.
If I had to give 2018 a theme as it relates to my life, it would be "faith greater than fear." This idea resonated with me after hearing a sermon earlier in the year about your faith needing to be bigger than your fear. In fact, it hit me with so much conviction that I tattooed it on the back of my arm. There were many instances last year in which I chose faith over my fear of the unknown, fear of failure, or fear of rejection.
In my last blog post, I shared about my fear of peeing in the woods. Camping for the first time in October was a huge step for me. I have never had a desire to camp, but I was blessed with an opportunity to play the drums at a women's weekend camp that my church hosts. Not only had I never camped before, but I had never used a porta-potty. In case you were wondering, I survived and conquered the infamous porta-potty. I learned quickly from veteran campers to use the porta-potties that were furthest away from the camp sites. By day two, walking an extra mile was definitely worth it to have a place to handle my business without hyperventilating from being overwhelmed by funk.
More importantly than overcoming my public restroom fears, I was also challenged to face my insecurities related to performance. This was my first time playing the drums with this particular group of incredible singers and musicians. I listened to the songs and practiced until I could play the rhythms and parts perfectly in my sleep. I had prayed for this opportunity and God had answered me, but once I arrived at camp I began to doubt that God got it right.
Hours before we were scheduled to go on stage, the song list was modified and some of the parts I had prepared to play were changed. It felt like everything I thought I knew was no longer valid. Even outside of music, I am very calculated and have a need to be prepared; last minute changes wreck my nerves! I cried invisible tears as I questioned God on whether or not I was meant to be there. The other singers and musicians had more experience and qualifications than I had, and they were able to roll with last minute changes so fluidly and gracefully.
It didn't take me long to realize that my insecurities were right. In my own strength, I could not make the adjustments, but I am grateful that the Holy Spirit challenged me to depend on Him. I may not have played every part perfectly, but I was reminded that the gifts He gives us are not for us. My fear of failure and rejection was no match to the power I received through the Holy Spirit to fulfill His purpose by trusting Him and leaning into His strength. It was a blessing to know that the worship music we played together helped usher in the presence of God to nearly 20,000 women.
Another win last year was facing my fear of the unknown when I walked through prison doors. An opportunity to serve again through music came through a prison ministry. They say to never say never; I said I would never walk into a jail or prison, voluntarily or involuntarily; not even to visit a friend or close family member. When my husband and mother-in-law started volunteering with a prison ministry a few years ago, I was real clear in my mind that prison ministry may be for them, but it was not my calling. I didn’t feel any guilt for believing that; isn’t it a good thing to not want to go to prison?
What do you picture in your mind when you think about a jail or prison? Depending on your experience I’m sure our imagination (or reality) takes us different places. All I had known about prison was what I'd seen on television. I thought of prison as this grimy place filled with criminals, not humans, who in most cases deserved to be there. I had not stopped to consider that they too, were created by my same Creator, and deserved basic human needs and an opportunity to receive God's love. It was hard for me to consider, prior to my volunteer experience, that these people are someone's mother/father, daughter/son, brother/sister, etc., as I didn't have anyone close to me who had been to prison.
I still wrestle with the tension of how do we show grace to these men and women in prison who may have committed murders, rape or any other violent offenses. Again in my own strength, it is nearly impossible to show grace and mercy, but I pray that when we minister through music and teachings, that something said will open their heart to receive Jesus. I think about the times that I did not deserve God's grace and mercy, but so many times he has blessed me to see a new day, and gives me the chance to start over again. Worshiping and talking with the residents in the prisons has blessed me more than I can describe. I wouldn't have had this opportunity to open my heart and grow spiritually if I had let the fear of the unknown guide my life.
Lastly, I will share how starting this blog was a major step towards living out faith over fear. This is not something I have mastered, rather it is a continuous work in progress. Many years ago, God affirmed that I am a writer. It was hard for me to type that just now, as it sometimes is hard to see yourself the way God sees you. Starting this blog helped me to start to walk towards my destiny. I don't know what the end looks like, but I believe this was a step I needed to take. I still wrestle with the fear of rejection; critiquing myself so harshly trying to put out the perfect story the perfect way. Besides life just getting busy, this fear is why you have not seen posts as often as I would like to publish. However, I am grateful for the progress I have made, and it is one of my top goals for 2019. I am always encouraged by the following Bible verse:
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished... Philippians 1:6 NLT
This post does not encompass all of my 2018 accomplishments, and the ones I have shared may be minor to some. However, I wanted to share with you as each instance was major to my character and spiritual development. Unless I feel led otherwise, I will continue to focus in 2019 in taking additional steps towards making sure my faith always outweighs my fear.
